Mock-a-palooza

F.A.G. - Will You Marry Me?
Posted by The Tempest on August 14th, 2006

I’ve finally figured it all out.

Yes, it suddenly makes perfect sense to me.

There can be only one reason this guy won’t stay away from me.

First a question: When you were a young kid and either at school or wherever, there was that little girl (or boy) who always picked on you, pulled your hair, punched you in the arm and you just thought, “I hate that guy (girl).”? Eventually, you grew tired of them and tried to avoid them, only to discover they just wouldn’t let it go?

There’s this crazy ‘mo who’s been pulling this same shit on me lately. I’ll admit, at first it was a somewhat fun little diversion trading jabs. Then it got boring because, as it turns out, all this person wanted to do was punch my arm and stick gum in my hair.

So I tell this “Peppermint Patty” wannabe that I’m bored with it all and I’m going to play jump rope with the other girls.

Two days later, I’m just coming down the slide in the playground and tearing up from the burn I just got on my ass from the hot metal (why oh why did I wear this “My Little Pony” skirt??). Suddenly, up from behind, that little snotwipe yanks my pony tail and then runs off to his mommy’s minivan.

“You little turdcicle!”, I yell as the dilapidated van with the WWJD? bumper sticker pulls away. “Just you wait!”

Fast forward to the present day.

My nemesis is back. Bigger and more annoying than ever. Only now, he’s found religion…and the puzzle is complete…he’s in love with me!!

Eeewww!!!

Really though, what else is there to explain all of his unwanted attention and the fact that he just can’t leave well enough alone?

“Let old bygones be.” — Tennyson

The more I spurn his unwanted (and let’s face it…repulsive) advances, the more fervor he puts into the next advance. Each salvo more repugnant than the last.

“I spurn thee like a cur out of my way.” — Shak.

Re*pul*sive - Cold; forbidding; offensive; as, repulsive manners. - (1913 Webster)

Then it happened. I saw through his crusty, bitter and hateful outer shell and saw the inner Alan. He just wants a hug. He just wants to be loved. He truly had no idea just what kind of man he had inside of him…

I know…I know…What about Steve? Will our marriage be able to withstand this heated one-sided love affair? You bet. Ours is a marriage based on trust, honesty and laughter. And in the end, maybe that’s what this other guy really wants for himself…to find a man who can love him and accept his weird “isms”.

And as Steve and I walk lovingly into the sunset, I pause, glance over my shoulder…
…see him standing there…
…sobbing and shaking…
…and think…
Oh, Alan, “I wish I knew how to quit you!” (*)


(*) — Jack to Ennis, Brokeback Mountain

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